Like Jaws, But Better – “Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast” (2011) Review
Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast
Release Date: February 19, 2013
Written & Directed by Sam Qualiana
I knew exactly what I was getting into when I popped Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast into my DVD player, as should everyone on earth. The film is clearly not meant to be taken seriously, so from the getgo, I prepared myself for a goofy, fun ride. Nothing too fancy, but something enjoyable enough to keep me entertained for just over seventy minutes. In that respect, Snow Shark delivers as hilarity ensues.
The premise of Snow Shark is exactly what you’d expect from its title. It’s about a prehistoric shark that swims around in the snow, eating bad actors and stereotypical characters. When a couple of mutilated bodies are found in the woods, it’s up to the town mayor and his fearless police force to protect the townsfolk from a similar fate. Unfortunately for them, the rednecks of the town seek revenge, and it isn’t long before they wage war on whatever lurks within the woods.
As far as the performances are concerned, if the acting in Snow Shark was any more wooden, it would be wearing a headdress and advertising cigars. There isn’t a single performance in the entire film that isn’t laughably horrible, which I would blame on the cringe-worthy dialogue, but the bottom line is that I’m fairly certain none of the “actors” in Snow Shark have any actual acting experience. All of the lines are delivered like a fifth grader sounding out words in the middle of a reading circle. It’s even harder to believe these characters once they pull out plastic guns from Toys R Us and aim them at a paper mache shark head. As goofy as the practical shark looks, I still much preferred it to the 16-bit CG one that pops up from time to time.
The biggest issue with Snow Shark isn’t the ridiculous premise, Playstation quality CGI, or bottom of the barrel acting. The biggest issue with the film is its ridiculously loud score, which is comprised of music that would be played over the end credits of a public access television show. Not that I genuinely cared what any of the characters were talking about, but if I did, I couldn’t have heard them because of the public domain music blaring through my speakers.
Overall, I only recommend Snow Shark to people that are looking for a so-bad-its-good, time-killer type of movie. It’s an absolute atrocity of a film, yet remains fairly entertaining throughout its running time. Fans of schlock cinema may find a bit of enjoyment out of this one. Everyone else should avoid Snow Shark like…well…a snow shark.
- Blair Hoyle